You probably wouldn’t be surprised to hear that significant conflict and distress in marriage can lead to divorce. But would it surprise you to learn that certain negative behaviors are predictive of marital distress or divorce with more than 90% accuracy? That’s what one particular study (Markman, Stanley & Blumberg, 1994) says.
If there’s a formula for avoiding divorce, I want to know it.
Don’t you? Of course, they’re not saying this is a magic potion; you actually have to learn and act upon what you know. But just like I avoid eating or doing certain things that might cause cancer in my body, I definitely want to avoid behaviors that are likely to become a “cancer” to my marriage.
Starting next week, on Make-Up-Monday, I’ll share what we’ve learned about the four destructive communication styles that Markman, Stanley and Blumberg have identified. If you can’t wait, run right out and grab a copy of the book A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage by Stanley, Trathen, McCain & Bryan. It’s been a super helpful book, even in the midst of conflict, when I’m just SURE I’m right!
To let you in on what we’ll be covering, here are the four destructive communication styles:
Withdrawal/Avoidance – just what it sounds like
Escalation – intensifying the argument
Negative Interpretation – assuming the worst
Invalidation – subtle put downs
I have no idea who created the acronym WENI, but it’s pronounced “weenie” – I know it’s bad, but at least it’s memorable, as in, “Don’t be a weenie!”
It’s important to note, I didn’t make this up. It was taught to me/us in the pre-marital class we attended in Dallas. And I’ve read about it again and again in A Lasting Promise. Other than my personal examples, nothing in this series is intended to come from me. I give credit for this information to the authors of the book {and I will cite their work in each entry where I use it}. They have been studying marriage and married couples for decades. I’m just sharing what I’ve learned in the hope that everyone reading {including me} will walk away with information that will help us do a better job communicating through conflict.
Another interesting point to keep in mind: On top of revealing to us the four negative styles so we can all do a better job of resisting them, the authors have also uncovered that the negative factors are more predictive of marital outcome (divorce or distress) than the positive factors they studied (commitment, friendship, fun, and sensuality). Meaning, you can do all the right positive things, but if you are struggling with these four destructive communication styles it will do greater damage to your relationship than the positives will help.
So, which one(s) are you?
I have to admit, in college and probably for the decade that followed, I was an escalator. I was always game for a big fight. But in our marriage today, I’m probably more likely to withdraw or avoid. I can also do my fair share of negative interpretation. With a little effort, I pray I’ll get better at NOT using these tactics.
Any thoughts or questions before next week where we’ll cover the nitty gritty on Withdrawal/Avoidance?
Let me know in the comments below.
photo credit: © Adam Borkowski – Fotolia.com
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m so looking forward to reading the rest of this series!
I have seriously struggled throughout our relationship with withdrawal & avoidance; thankfully, Dayne does a good job of pulling what’s wrong out of me and encouraging me to be more forthcoming with how I feel. As long as we can both be open about how we’re feeling/what’s going on, we can avoid those negative behaviors for the most part.
Thanks for the helpful post
Thanks for your comment, Lisa. It’s definitely a challenge to avoid behaviors in marriage that may have become habits long ago. Three cheers for a husband who knows how to dig for what’s going on inside you. And here’s to hoping you continue to grow and learn as well. Thanks for stopping by!