Finding Our Rhythm

by Merritt on September 19, 2012

So…{insert slightly awkward pause} you haven’t heard from me for a while. If I were your spouse this reality wouldn’t bode well for our marriage. But thank goodness I’m not.

What’s that? You say you didn’t notice. That’s ok, my feelings aren’t hurt. I know you have better things to do than sit around and wonder why I haven’t written lately. But I will tell you the Husband has been getting a little more attention from me these days, so is anyone complaining? Ok. Great. Then we’ll just pick up where we left off… thanks for sticking with me. 🙂

Over the last several months I’ve been pondering my long-term vision for LiveSimplyLove. I LOVE marriage and the platform this blog gives me to share what we’ve learned along this newlywed journey. But you see, we’re getting close to that THREE-YEAR-MARK. The one where everyone says you’re no longer newlyweds anymore.

I’m not sure I believe in arbitrary rules like “you can’t wear white pants after Labor Day” or “you’re only newlyweds until you have kids or hit 3 years.” But I must say we are settling into something that feels a little different to me.

I’ll sit down to write a Make-Up-Monday post only to remember we had a conflict-free weekend. {Trust me, this does NOT mean we are conflict free. Just that they are fewer, different, smaller, quieter than they were in year one.}

We’ll be cooking {or cleaning up} dinner together and I’ll realize that we’re BOTH in the kitchen with smiles on our faces, learning to “dance” around each other in the narrow space between the stove and the sink, and having conversations about our day…without a hint of irritation…not to mention we’re getting the job done faster.

And what’s probably even more encouraging is this sense of growing trust I have for this man. It’s so different than anything I’ve experienced in any other relationship and so much more than what I had with him even just a year ago.

It’s a gentle, calming, peaceful, knowing trust. Accompanied by the understanding that he is FOR me. That we are a team. That we are growing in oneness. And that we really do find joy in being together. Even when we have struggles and even when we disagree.

I don’t know who has changed more, him or me. Given our story and the fact that I’ve always believed we are SOOO different…I couldn’t help but find it funny when a friend remarked last week about my absence at our community group: “Todd was there so it felt like you were there, too. You two are just so much alike.”


If you had told me that in 2007, I might have punched your lights out. {Or at least tried.}

But today I’m proud of the fact that we’re rubbing off on each other. And hopeful that it’s in all the best ways. Yes, we still struggle. We for sure are NOT perfect. But we’re finding our stride. We’re learning each other—and still eager to do so. We apologize quickly. We ask forgiveness. We’re sharing more and more about our individual thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams. And we’re growing closer as a result.

I don’t have a recipe for the perfect marriage. But a wise friend suggested to me a few weeks ago that if there were one, it just might be the time spent continuing to work on the relationship with the gusto and enthusiasm you had when you were preparing for marriage.  {And if you didn’t do much in the way of pre-marital counseling/classes, you might just use the analogy of wedding planning in its place!}

If I have to answer now, I’d say this sounds like a pretty good idea. That, and finding ways to really enjoy one another. Whatever they are, figure them out by studying your spouse and learning what makes him/her tick. And wash, rinse, repeat for the rest of your lives.

That’s my wisdom after 2.866 years of marriage.

Aren’t you glad I’m back. 😉

What have you been discovering in your marriage lately?

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Stephanie January 25, 2013 at 6:29 pm

I’ve missed your blog posts!


Merritt February 12, 2013 at 9:58 am

I just saw this, Stephanie. You’re so sweet for leaving this comment. I’m not gone forever…thanks for your encouragement. I have several posts floating through my mind. Just need to get them out “on paper”.


Tara September 19, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I am thinking… ebbs and flows. We just hit ten years together (not married legally- that is six years married). Our marriage changed when we had kids and then “normed out again.” And then our marriage changed when we moved across the province and my husband started a new job, making him home a lot more. Now it is changing as I grow in my faith and homeschool my kids. It is frustrating right now, but I am not worried because I know that with great struggle, comes faith in waiting, character in working it out, and new depth. Don’t stop writing just because you’ve found a normal. There will be great lessons and depths of love to come!


Merritt September 20, 2012 at 11:48 am

Ahhh…I love this Tara. Thanks for giving me some perspective from your longer-married experience. I totally agree. We are ALWAYS changing. It’s the natural course of life for ALL living things. So of course it should be that way for our marriage too. I can’t imagine ever knowing everything there is to know about him (or vice versa). And God uses all of our seasons to grow us. I’m excited to see what He has for us next.

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. It was just what I needed today.


Paul H. Byerly September 19, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I’m not big on rules either. Act in a way that causes people to assume you are newly-weds for decades to come!

BTW, you have one of the best logo pictures I’ve seen for a marriage blog – it says so much so very well!


Merritt September 20, 2012 at 11:44 am

Hi Paul. Thanks for your comment about the picture. The great part is that it was kind of by accident that we even captured it. 🙂

And oh, how I love the idea of acting in a way that causes people to assume we are newlyweds. I’ve never thought of it that way, but what a beautiful idea! Thanks for putting it out there.


Laura September 19, 2012 at 10:52 am

Soooooo glad you’re back!!


Merritt September 19, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Me too! Are you coming to CO soon??? I hope so. 🙂


Caroline Niziol September 19, 2012 at 7:12 am

Well, I’m a newlywed (going on 5 months) and I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog as a guide for navigating marriage. I’ve learned that I have to dwell in the truth and remind myself frequently of God’s love and provision. My husband travels every week for work (Monday-Friday) and it can be lonely and frustrating. Quickly, my brain starts to play tricks on me and tell me lies about my failure as a wife or the inadequacies of our marriage. I have to refute those lies and replace them with God’s truth!


Merritt September 19, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Amen Caroline! Someone wise once said, “You have to TALK to yourself more and LISTEN to yourself less.” I think that helps a lot in marriage – reminding ourselves of the truth regardless of how we feel…because feelings are one-sided and marriage involves another person. (And God’s wisdom is always better than ours!) It takes practice to do this, but it’s totally worth it. Learning to believe the best has been very helpful for me…and the trust has grown along the way. So glad you stopped by today. Thanks for reading!


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