It’s one of the most important aspects of marriage—intimacy and closeness—but it’s also one of the most difficult to talk about…especially if it’s lacking and you don’t know how to get there. Intimacy requires trust. It requires openness. It’s a deep desire within all of us to be fully known and to be loved anyway. And those things really only exist in a place where there is also no fear.
For some of you not-so-frequent-visitors, you might be surprised that the Husband and I did not have any physical intimacy in our relationship before our wedding night. We’d never taken each other’s clothes off. We’d never groped or fondled {words that still feel gross to me and not an accurate depiction in my mind of what intimacy in marriage should be like} each other. In fact, the only thing we’d engaged in was an every-now-and-then make-out session. But even that, we realized, was a pre-cursor to sex and something we didn’t want to taint our dating or even engagement—so for the three-four months of our engagement we didn’t do that either.
I say “taint” because that’s what it would have done to our non-married state. {I dare you to try and prove that sex doesn’t change a relationship, married or not.} And our commitment to God and one another was to wait on physical intimacy. To not borrow from marriage. To not drink too soon of the intimacy that was created for that union.
I’d been warned by friends with different beliefs that this was a dumb idea. That it was important to “test it out” before marriage to be sure we were compatible. And sure, I had some concerns about that. But I had a greater trust in God and His purposes in putting us together. I’d already decided there was nothing that would cause me to walk out of this marriage once the covenant was sealed. Therefore, I was willing to endure a “difficult sex life” if that’s what God had for us.
Now, I won’t say it’s been easy—there have definitely been bumps along the way. {This is NOT Hollywood, you know!} But one thing was remarkable to me—on our honeymoon we truly had the kind of intimacy mentioned in the book of Genesis—we were naked and unashamed. In fact, we joyfully pranced around the room in our nakedness. We went to the bathroom with the door open; we weren’t embarrassed or shy. We just were. And it was easy. And that was far beyond what I’d imagined or expected. It was an intimacy I’d never known, and it was beautiful. And it was worth the wait.
And everything else has eventually come together as it’s needed to. We’ve had to talk about difficult subjects, and share our fears and anxieties. Deal with some awkwardness and be vulnerable like we’ve never been before. But that’s OK because intimacy is a process. There is no finish line. It’s not somewhere you just show up. It grows over time and with trust and it deepens in our grief and trials. And some days it’s better than others {see any number of conflicts in my Make-Up-Monday series}. But still we pursue it because of the trust that’s been built and the reassurance of how much better marriage is when we’re in that place of closeness.
How has intimacy been a challenge or a joy in your marriage?
Photo credit: © Yuri Arcurs Fotolia.com
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I love your honesty and openness. I am not sure I would have the guts to address the “I” word : )
We waited to, and I do not regret the awkwardness and learning curve, in fact that was all rather fun.
Most of my intimacy issues centered around my insecurity issues. How I perceived myself and even how I perceived how my husband perceived me……way too many perceives
I believe conquering the hurdles and bumps in the “intimacy” part of our marriage has been one of the biggest contributors to the strength of our relationship.
Jody – for a minute there I wasn’t sure I wanted to tackle it…but it’s a big part of our story and we both felt it was right to share. You’re so right – the learning curve had its joys and sweet moments because we both were confident in our commitment to one another. I’m totally with you on the insecurity and the “perceives” – I entertained way too many thoughts about what he might think of me (and still do at times). But I’m learning that’s my issue not his. Amen for growing stronger through the tough times!! Thanks for your comment.