This is week two of four in a Make-Up-Monday series about communicating through conflict and how NOT to be a WENI (W=Withdrawal; E=Escalation; N= Negative Interpretation; I=Invalidation).
Studies have shown that these four negative communication styles, when used to “manage” conflict in a marriage, are high predictors of future distress in the relationship or even divorce. Most of what I’ll share comes from the book A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage by Stanley, Trathen, McCain & Bryan. It’s a very honest, helpful tool. I’ve even picked up this book in the middle of a conflict and read it to try to figure out what I was doing wrong that was standing in the way of us resolving. I highly recommend it!
Today’s topic is Escalation. When I first read about these four negative communication patterns, escalation seemed like the most obvious…these are the arguments where each person constantly one-ups the other with some sort of negative comment or outburst. Stanley et al. describe escalation as having a snowball effect as “you become increasingly angry and hostile as the argument continues.”
The example they share in the book is one, similar to many they’ve seen, that starts out with something small. In this case it’s the husband’s sarcasm toward his wife not putting the lid back on the toothpaste. She feels hurt and dishes out a low blow, which hurts him back. Then he makes a comment that threatens the very existence of their relationship.
These jabs or low-blows—statements about a sensitive/personal issue that was originally shared in a tender moment—can do a lot of damage. “What is said is mostly focused on the immediate goal of piercing the other as a way to protect oneself,” says Stanley et al. But these types of hurtful comments easily get out of control and can destroy intimacy, trust and do great harm to the relationship.
I find that I’m most likely to escalate in more subtle ways, especially if I’m holding an unspoken grudge or frustration. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m upset about something until the Husband does the smallest thing that bugs me and I turn a molehill into a mountain. In recovery circles we describe this as “stuff coming out sideways.” I don’t intend to bite his head off for how he does the dishes, for example, but if I’m holding on to something from earlier in the day or week, it can totally come out sideways when something small and completely unrelated sets me off.
We’ve gotten so much better about these things. If he notices an attitude in me, he’ll ask if something’s wrong which may help me to notice that I might be overreacting about something he’s doing. Or if I realize I’ve been avoiding {see…all four of these are connected}, I’ll bring it up and tell him how I feel before it blows up. Another thing we are 100% committed to is NEVER, ever bringing up divorce or even hinting that one of us might walk out and not come back. Such threats are not helpful and do nothing but drive a greater wedge of distrust and fear in the relationship.
The book talks about finding ways to steer clear of the escalation. If one person is escalating, often all it takes to step out of it is for the other to tone down his/her response. One partner can back off and/or say something to de-escalate the argument. A simple, “You might be right about that” could be an example. It takes a great deal of self-control to do so, but it’s certainly a behavior worth learning if it could move you closer to a healthier marriage.
Proverbs says it well:
The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (12:18)
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger. (15:1)
Here are some questions to answer and process on your own and then discuss with your spouse. If you tend toward hostility when having such conversations, I highly encourage finding another couple you trust to help you talk through your answers to these questions.
- “How often do you think you escalate as a couple?
- “Do you get hostile with each other during escalation?
- “What or who usually brings an end to the fight? How does it usually end?
- “Does one or the other of you sometimes threaten to end the relationship when you’re angry?
- How do each of you feel when your arguments are escalating? Do you feel tense, anxious, scared, angry, or something else?”
And a few questions I’d like to add:
Are there situations when you’re more likely to escalate? What are some ways you can think of to cut escalation off at the pass?
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
This isn’t something we struggle with that much, as neither of us tends to push the argument. (We’re more likely to avoid I think…which is also dangerous)
Great post, I love the comment about refusing to utter threats about leaving. That should NEVER be on the table during an argument!
I don’t know which is worse, the loud escalating argument (which SEEMS worse from the outside) or the avoidance tactics that can leave things brewing for years only to boil up and explode one day. I guess the answer is BOTH! Thanks for your comment Melissa!