The AtoZ Challenge provided a little hiatus from Make-Up-Monday, which is challenging in its own way. But whaddya know, I’ve got a fresh conflict to share.
Hiking near Breckenridge
It all started when the Husband gave me a Living Social gift certificate for a massage. I finally went to use it last Friday afternoon, and OH, WAS IT GOOD! It’s been a few years since my last massage…maybe even since our honeymoon in Mexico…and to sum it up, I’m a bundle of knots.
The masseuse spent the first 10 minutes telling me—in the kindest way—that I really need to work on my stress level. She said I have the back of a lawyer. Not kidding. And, truthfully, I’m not that surprised. As a freelance writer, I spend most of my waking hours in front of a computer, and the last month has been incredibly stressful. I knew something was wrong when my arms and hands started tingling on a regular basis.
I’m working on some stress relieving techniques, but when I asked what the masseuse would suggest, her prescription was to spend more time on her table. I know a lot of professional writers work massage into their health regimen just like they would a visit to the gym. It didn’t seem too farfetched. In fact, I really liked her and the way she worked on me. She communicated throughout about what she felt in my back, and at the end of the massage we talked about future visits. Because her practice was new, she offered an on-the-spot discount if I purchased a package. So I took it! Even though I knew I should have talked it over with the Husband first.
You see, we’ve agreed not to make any purchases over $100 without discussing it. We made this decision soon after we’d paid off our credit card debt, knowing that the feeling of “extra money” in our bank account might tempt either of us to be a little spendy. Our agreement is not even really an asking-permission thing, it’s a respect thing. We acknowledge we’re in this together, and we don’t ever want to go back to where we were before. And truthfully, when I take the time to logically THINK through a purchase, present it to him, discuss the pros and cons, I usually make better choices. When I don’t do this, I’m often acting based on my emotions.
With the masseuse, I’m sure I could have told her I’d get back to her by the end of the day after I’d spoken to him. But I didn’t. It’s a humbling thing to say, “I have to ask my husband,” so I rationalized it in my mind that this was something I NEEDED for my health. That may be true. And he might have even agreed. But as soon as it was said and done, I knew making the decision without him was wrong. In my mind I went round and round trying to justify it. But the bottom line was, it was still wrong. I called him on my way home to tell him how great my massage was and confess my deliberate defiance of our agreement. I felt awful. He was still at work and was noticeably upset, but he didn’t have time to talk at that moment.
We finally talked about it many hours later on our drive out of town for the weekend. I felt like a fearful child, not sure what he was going to say or if I was “in trouble.” I realize these are not rational feelings, but that’s where I was. And in those few hours before, I’d tried to think about what he must be feeling. I realized my decision did not communicate respect towards my husband or our agreement. And that’s not how I want to be.
In the end, I was so proud of him for pushing through to talk about it rather than avoid it. {I wanted to avoid it and likely would have, which could have impacted our weekend away.} I acknowledged that he probably felt disrespected, and I asked his forgiveness. He immediately forgave me. I confessed that I’d only told him a partial truth {I’d bought 5 massages} and then shared the whole truth {I’d really bought 6}. He also communicated some irrational fears he knows he has about what we spend our money on and the ways he’s trying to rein those feelings in. I asked a few questions to better understand him. He did the same to try to understand me. And by the end of the conversation I could hardly believe we’d handled it with such maturity.
No yelling, no tears; just honesty and forgiveness. And while I felt pretty yucky from the point of that first phone call to the minute we finished this conversation, the slate was wiped clean for us to have a fun weekend away.
I’m still accepting weekly submissions for Make-Up-Monday if you are willing to share your story. I know it’s not easy. But the reality is we ALL have conflict. And sharing is a reminder that we all have work to do to communicate, resolve and forgive in our marriages. Just email me: merritt {at} livesimplylove {dot} com
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, thanks for sharing with such honesty and openness. I know the feeling of dread when I need to approach the husband for a talk! It is wonderful to be married to a very patient, laid back, easygoing man!!!
It’s an awful feeling…I want to do a better job of remembering how kind and patient he is so I don’t approach him with fear of reprimand. Maybe that comes with time…and countless reminders!
We have an agreement not to make big purchases without each other knowing. We haven’t really set a certain amount. I guess that’s because we do the envelope system, so we only have certain amounts budgeted for different things. If I want something beyond what I can afford with my spending money, I will talk it over with the hubby and explain why I absolutely need it. Before we paid off credit card debt and the envelope system I would go to Target and make purchases way over what I said I was going to get. I think it’s a trust/respect issue. If we trust and respect each other we will let each other know before we make a big purchase.
So true! But I never thought of it as a trust/respect issue before. In the early months of our very tight budget it just felt like a constraint. Thankfully God used that time to refine me and teach my heart to consider another person at least as much as I consider myself! Thanks for your comment!