This is week three of four in a Make-Up-Monday series about communicating through conflict and how NOT to be a WENI (W=Withdrawal; E=Escalation; N= Negative Interpretation; I=Invalidation).
Studies have shown that these four negative communication styles, when used to “manage” conflict in a marriage, are high predictors of future distress in the relationship or even divorce. Most of what I’ll share comes from the book A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage by Stanley, Trathen, McCain & Bryan. It’s a very honest, helpful tool. I’ve even picked up this book in the middle of a conflict and read it to try to figure out what I was doing wrong that was standing in the way of us resolving. I highly recommend it!
Today’s topic is Negative Interpretation, and it’s exactly what it sounds like: assuming the other person’s words or behavior are more negative than intended. Each of these four negative communication styles can be harmful in a marriage {or any relationship for that matter}; however this one can quickly cause a marriage to disintegrate into a pile of hurt feelings and distrust. Why? Because if you believe something negative about me, I’m going to have a hard time convincing you otherwise…especially if I don’t know about it.
Need an example? I’ve definitely gone through phases of assuming the worst about the Husband’s intentions, especially early on when I was overwhelmed with laundry, cooking and cleaning our home. Part of the problem was that I wasn’t doing a good job communicating my expectations, but the other part was the resentment I allowed to brew in my heart when I needed his help but didn’t ask for it. One time, after a particularly long week, I remember thinking something like, “He must just assume I’m here to do all this work FOR him.” Well, that wasn’t really the truth. He doesn’t assume that. {And I’ll admit, it sounds pretty ugly and unfair.} In fact, he enjoys sharing the responsibility for our home. But I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t ask for his help. I just assumed the worst. Ever done that?
It’s amazing how quickly negative interpretation can creep up in so many areas of life and relationships. Have you ever negatively interpreted your spouse’s words or actions with regard to: romance, body image, housework, driving together, meal preparation, interactions with the opposite sex, free-time, in laws, careers, finances, holidays, physical attraction, vacations or date night?
What makes it worse is that it’s all in our head, and it can easily feed on itself if it’s not dealt with. Stanley et al. talk about how a marriage filled with negative interpretation can become a place of hopelessness. And hopelessness doesn’t bode well for the future health of your marriage.
Now, I admit, some of us are more naturally positive, while some of us are, let’s say…glass-half-empty kind of people. If you’re the latter or more inclined toward negative interpretation, this one’s for you.
It’s time to make a concerted effort to believe the best about your spouse. One bit of advice I received at a bridal shower was this: “Always remember that he did not wake up today with the intention of making you mad or hurting your feelings.” It’s helps combat negative interpretation in and out of conflict situations. Check yourself; are you believing the best about your spouse?
The other thing that’s important to do is learn to speak your thoughts and ask for clarification. In the example I mentioned above I might have said, “Hey, I’m feeling alone in all this housework. Would you be willing to do X, Y and Z?” Or “I have been thinking that you expect me to do all the housework. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that this may not actually be true. Can we talk about sharing some household tasks?”
In A Lasting Promise, Stanley et al. suggest that most spouses do not intentionally do things to frustrate the other person. “Much more frequently, the actions of our partners that annoy us are either well intended or done with no conscious intention at all. Most of the time, most people think they are doing the best they can.”
True, isn’t it? If I come in the door and toss my jacket on a nearby chair and later return and see it on the floor I assume it fell off the chair {and at that point I’ll remember that I should just take 5 extra steps to hang it in the closet}. But if I come home and see his jacket on the floor, do I assume he was a) too lazy to hang it up; b) expecting me to pick up after him; or c) it fell of the chair he meant to hang it on. Seems we’re more likely to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt rather than our spouse. That’s something worth working on.
Finally, if you’re a negative interpreter, know that you’re the only one who can address this negative behavior in your relationship. Your spouse can’t change what you’re making up in your head. He or she often has no idea. A Lasting Promise offers four great questions for thinking through how to see and understand your negative interpretation as well as a challenge to start to change your thinking. {I’m waiting on the publisher to grant permission to post the questions. As soon as I have it, I’ll get them up here.}
And if both you and your spouse are prone to negative interpretation, or even if you’re not, I will always suggest asking for help from another couple you trust. As Michael pointed out a few weeks ago in the comments, find that couple, ask them ahead of time and agree together that either of you can contact them at any time to help you talk through difficult conversations. Trust me, it’s totally worth it.
Your turn: Are you a generally positive person? Or do you lean toward negative interpretation? Are there situations or topics where you’re more sensitive or likely to negatively interpret?
Photo credit: © Scott Griessel - istockphoto.com
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I just read a quote in a book over the weekend that said, “Expectations kill relationships.” While I think that I’d *qualify* the types of lethal expectations, I DO agree that unrealistic expectations and negative assumptions are poisonous.
What a great reminder, friend! Happy Monday to you!
HI Laura. What book were you reading? I’m making a list of good relationship books. Is it one you’d recommend? I agree, not ALL expectations are killers, but the potential is there, especially if they are unspoken. Thanks for your comment and Happy Monday to you too!!