Ah yes, it’s Monday again (for a few more hours at least), which means it’s time for Make-Up-Monday! I didn’t receive a story submission for this week. So, will this work?
Ok, no, not really.
In the absence of a Make-Up-Monday story I thought I might share a helpful communication tool…since it’s quite possible that instead of submitting your make up stories you might be sitting around with unresolved conflict just WAITING for the opportunity to work through it and THEN you’ll submit your story for Make-Up-Monday, right? 
Early in our short engagement we were introduced to the Speaker-Listener Technique, from the book A Lasting Promise by Stanley, Trathen, McCain and Bryan. We learned this technique at the pre-marital class at our church. And it came in handy in those early months as we tried to work through big and small conflicts.
Speaker-Listener Technique is about taking turns speaking and listening in order to truly hear each other; it helps both of you communicate better in order to get to the heart of a conflict. I’ve said it before, men and women speak different languages. Therefore we hear in different languages, too. That means it might take several tries to understand what your spouse is communicating to you.
Here are the basics of Speaker-Listener:
The Speaker has the floor. He/she should use “I” statements to communicate feelings or beliefs about the issue at hand. Statements should be brief. After 2-3 sentences (or fewer if necessary) the Speaker stops speaking and allows the Listener to paraphrase.
The Listener paraphrases what he/she heard the Speaker say. No rebuttals are allowed. Do not answer, instead say what you heard. Avoid being defensive. Your goal is to listen for understanding.
The Speaker has the floor until he/she is satisfied with the Listener’s paraphrase.
Then, roles switch, and the Listener becomes the Speaker, following the guidelines previously mentioned.
In our experience using this technique, there can be several “rounds” as the discussion ensues, especially if there has been a long build-up of issues leading to this conflict. It’s best to tackle only one topic at a time.
There’s more to it, but let’s check out an example of what this looks like:
Wife as Speaker: “I feel hurt when you don’t come home from work on time. I’ve worked a long day too and if you aren’t here when you say you’ll be here, I feel upset.”
Husband as Listener: “So, it hurts you when I don’t come home on time because you work a long day too.”
Wife as Speaker: “Yes. And it’s important to me that you are home when you say you will be. I try to have dinner ready at a specific time, but if you’re not here, it gets cold or even over cooked.”
Husband as Listener: “You work hard to have dinner ready on time, and you’d like it if I told you what time I was planning to come home and then followed through on it.”
Wife as Speaker: “Yes, and it hurts my feelings when you don’t come home on time because it messes up what I’ve planned for dinner.”
Husband as Listener: “It upsets you when I don’t come home on time because it messes up your plans for our meal.”
Wife as Speaker: “Yes, that’s right.” [She hands over the floor to the Husband.]
Husband as Speaker: “I work hard to provide for our family. My job is important and sometimes I have to work late. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you or don’t want to be home with you.”
Wife as Listener: “It’s important to you to provide for our family and sometimes you have to work late. Just because you aren’t home in time for dinner doesn’t mean you don’t love me.”
Husband as Speaker: “Yes, that’s right. I want to be home with you in the evening. I would rather be with you than at work.”
Wife as Listener: “You want to be home. You’d rather be with me than at work.”
Husband as Speaker: “Yes, that’s right.” [He hands over the floor to the Wife.]
This is just a simple example. If I went on, I imagine that she might figure out how tell him that their quality time is really important to her and they need to find a way get that need met if he has to work late. He might also bring out that it’s important to him to gain respect in the workplace, which sometimes might mean working late. They might need to talk about communicating expectations better or drawing boundaries in the workplace. All kinds of things could come out of this.
And while Speaker-Listener seems a little cheezy at first (and guys seem to have more trouble with believing it can work), it’s a great way to uncover what’s really going on that may have started a fight about something that seems rather benign like dinner time, emptying the dishwasher (that was ours) or taking out the trash. Click here to visit the PREP website where you can order the Speaker-Listener fridge magnet so you can keep the rules handy for when you need them.
Have you tried Speaker-Listener? If not, give it a try next time you have a chance (and you WILL) and let us know how it goes!
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post, Merritt! Appreciate the shout out for premarried class. I never thought the S-L technique would ever work, but every time Kristen and I do not communicate well, we know it’s because we’re not applying these principles.
Hi Scott – thanks so much for your comment! I’m with you. The S-L technique seems ridiculous, until you actually use it. Crazy enough, 5 minutes after I finished writing this post we had to implement it because I’d prioritized writing on my blog over another important task we needed to do together. Ugh! It was great to help us communicate in a calm, not overly emotional manner. It’s humbling to hear my spouse lovingly tell me how I hurt him and then have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and mend what’s broken. So grateful to have that tool! Thanks for all you’re doing for pre-marrieds!
Hee Hee, I love how that works! Sometimes makes me hesitant to blog about certain issues because I know I am painting a bulls-eye on my back: )
Oh my, that is so true Jody!
We’ve learned a lot through the process of blogging. Most of it’s been beneficial to our marriage.
Been there, that’s for sure! In fact, pretty sure we’ve gotten into some poor patterns minutes after we teach on conflict and communication. Usually Kristen’s fault, right?
Of course.
Great opportunity to practice what we preach! 
Thanks again Scott!
hey Merritt!
these make-up mondays are really terrific! my fiancé & I are dedicated to working out the differences we come across & it can be tough sometimes. thanks for writing about some wonderfully helpful techniques that keep us from wanting to strangle each other & instead simply love.
Stacey & Aaron
Awww… that’s such a sweet thing to say! It CAN be tough! But isn’t it so worth it when you get through it to the other side? I have literally felt my heart (and my anger) melt after a conflict is resolved. So glad you guys are working hard to prepare for a great marriage. When is the big day?
It is SO INCREDIBLY worth it! And when we make it through to the other side of a disagreement it can absolutely strengthen our understanding immensely and bring us that much closer to each other. That’s very rewarding!
Our big day is September 22, 2012!
Planning the wedding can add some serious stressors & brings up some disagreements that I wasn’t expecting. It’s nice to come here & read some advice that let’s us know we’re not crazy and most definitely not unique or alone in our occasional misunderstandings. Thanks again!
Oh, I hear you on wedding planning! That was one of the most stressful things I’ve ever done and we were BOTH so glad when it was over!! You definitely learn a lot about each other (and how you both handle stress) in the process. And yes, you are totally normal!