Welcome back to Make-Up-Monday. Now, it’s our turn to share a story….
One of the biggest conflicts early in our marriage arose out of miscommunication. Yes, it all started when I changed my name, but as we discovered, it was about so much more.
What kicked it off
We were out walking in the neighborhood on New Year’s Day – just a few months after the wedding. I made an off-hand comment like, “I’m not sure what to do with four names.” And it stopped him in his tracks. “What do you mean, four names?” he asked. And I explained my dilemma of sitting in the Social Security office the previous day not sure what to do. I always knew I’d take his last name as my own. But what was I supposed to do about all my business relationships (I’m a self-employed freelance writer) and the people who’d known me for more than a decade by my maiden name? I felt stuck. So I did the next best thing to ditching my last name. I moved it to second place in the middle name column. Awkward? Yes. A solution? Well, I thought so.
What happened next
He hated the idea. And more than that, he felt disrespected by the fact that I didn’t talk with him about it and that the outcome sounded to him more like a decision to hyphenate. That’s certainly not what I intended. In fact, I THOUGHT I had talked to him about it. But as the intensity of our conversation increased it became clear that neither one of us was going to be able to put this down quickly. We abruptly ended our walk. He went in the house and took a nap. I went outside and raked leaves while I stirred anger, blame, and resentment around in my head for the next four hours.
How we got through it
As much as we tried, we were totally unable to hear each other in the midst of this conflict. After a day of hardly speaking to each other, he finally called a few married couples we knew to see if they were available to help us work through this. Sandra and Eric came to the rescue. They’d been married several years longer than us and also knew us quite well. As we sat around their dining room table, we each got to tell our side of the story. Eric took notes, nodded occasionally, and listened intently. When we were finished, he completely turned the tables on us and asked individually how we receive love from the other person. That question really shaped the rest of our conversation and even the rest of our marriage.
What it was really about
Turns out, we’d really both fallen short in communicating love to the other person. I wasn’t doing a good job of showing him how much I appreciated and respected him. He wasn’t communicating the love, affection, and attention I needed to feel cared for in our marriage. So, when the name change topic came up, we both felt justified in our anger towards the other person because we’d already been feeling a lack of connection and care for one another.
What we learned
Eric and Sandy gave us assignments to identify something EASY that we could implement to communicate love to one another. I had to choose what would do it for me. He had to choose what would do it for him. He chose verbal or written affirmations from me. I choose something a bit more random. You see, what really seemed loving to me at the time was him going out of his way to be more romantic in our marriage. I had high hopes for the coming Valentine’s Day. But Eric called that out right away, and he asked me to identify something more immediate with less pressure attached to it.
So I said, “What if he brought me a glass of water every night when we went to bed?” And that was that. Easy. Doable. Low Pressure. It was something he could succeed at EVERY day! And because I’d chosen it and we’d named it a “loving action” that’s how I received it. Seems a little wonky. I know. Like why should I have to ask him to communicate love to me? But today, a year and a half later, he’s still doing it. And every night I thank him for doing it. It’s a simple, sweet way he chooses to show me love. And I choose to receive it that way.
After that, we were able to work through the name change issue. We talked it through until we could hear each other clearly. I went back to the SS office and happily deleted my second middle name. My clients have managed just fine. My husband feels respected. I feel loved. I don’t think it ever really was about the name.
In addition, I learned an important lesson about being disciplined with my thinking. It was not OK to spend four hours brewing up anger towards my husband. He didn’t wake up that day with the desire to make me mad. He expressed his feelings. I had my own feelings. I could have given him the benefit of the doubt. Listened for understanding. Asked for clarification. Communicated with gentleness. But that’s not what I chose to do. That conversation required lots of forgiveness (asking and offering) instead. Truth is, that’s not all bad. Humbling ourselves before the other, remembering we’re on the same team, not enemies, all does a world of good for our relationship. Then and now.
To participate in Make-Up-Monday, please send a brief description of what went down along with a (G-rated) picture of you and your love making-up to: merritt{at}livesimplylove{dot}com.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Love me some TOMO!
Love me some Evelyn Oyster!!
Hey Merritt! Stumbled across your blog on facebook one day and have really enjoyed reading it! I hope you guys are loving your (week old) life in Co!
Thanks for sharing these!
Hi Alison! Welcome to the blog. Glad you’re reading and THANKS so much for commenting! We are doing well…getting used to the altitude difference between here and Dallas.
Hope all is well with you!
Thx for posting. Applicable to my hubby and I and will be a great illustration for our Foundation Group we are leading!
Hi Erynn,
Thanks so much for your comment! Three cheers for Foundation Groups!! I’d welcome any stories of how you and the hubby have gotten through a conflict. Got any to share?