I think about this a lot it seems. Now that I’m on the other side of marriage…no longer single, hoping someone will “pick me.” {Yes, I realize that sounds desperate, but that’s how I felt for a long time.}
It strikes me as important because in about 97% of my serious relationships I would have told you I’d marry the person I was dating. But looking back now, knowing the person I DID marry and knowing what marriage is ACTUALLY like, it’s almost frightening to think about where my heart was {and about the blinders I had on} for so many years.
“Love” is blinding. And so is infatuation. And countless people make life-long decisions about who they will marry without asking some important questions.
There are questions to ask before you consider engagement like, “Is this the right person,” and possibly more important, “Am I the right person? Am I prepared for marriage? Am I self-focused or others-focused?” And some others like:
How do I view marriage? What is it about? What expectations do I have for marriage and my spouse?
What do the people around me {parents, close friends, mentors} think about my relationship? {And if you’re not willing to ask them, why not?}
Is there any crisis that could happen in my marriage that would cause me to leave rather than stay? {Consider things like disability, infidelity, sexual difficulty, job loss, family disagreements, financial difficulty, the death of a child, serious illness, moving to another city, loss of faith in God, etc.}
And then there are questions to ask once you’re engaged and preparing for marriage like:
Are we in agreement on the big faith questions? This is not about preferring the same church or denomination but rather, what do you each believe and are you both on the same page?
What are our desires, preferences, expectations about having and rearing children? What changes will having kids bring to the relationship, and how will we deal with them?
What are our priorities for life? How will those change or adapt in marriage?
How do we currently handle our finances–spending, saving, budgeting and giving?
How do we currently handle conflict? What is my default response, and how does my partner respond to me in that and vice-versa?
There are so many more questions worth asking and discussing. The Director of Premarital Ministry at our former church in Dallas recommended a few books to check out {I haven’t read them, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t}: Before You Get Engaged by David Gudgel, Brent Gudgel and Danielle Fitch and 101 Questions Before You Get Engaged by Norman Wright.
What questions do you wish you’d asked before marriage?
Photo Credit: © Scootz | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
There was a question I didn’t ask and 7 years into our marriage deception and hidden sin was exposed. I feel God’s timing was perfect, and I am not sure how I would have handled things had this been revealed earlier in our marriage. I am wondering if asking the question “Is there anything about your past or present struggles that would affect our marriage.” It seems like it is an important question that should be asked before and not into marriage? Like I said I think God’s timing was perfect, but had we gotten things out in the open and confessed and accountability established before marriage a lot of hurt would have been avoided (BUT again our marriage has been refined, strengthened, and our walk with the Lord transformed because of this!!!???!!!???) What ya all think?
Yes, God’s timing is perfect. Sure, it would be seemingly helpful to know and understand our spouse’s struggles before marriage. But just asking the question doesn’t mean the other person understands or knows what his/her struggles are. Sounds like God used it to His glory and your good…which is awesome!!
Great list of questions to consider as a dating single. I think the more questions asked in the beginning hopefully the less surprises you will find down the road. But I do think timing is important too.
It’s just so helpful to get things out in the open as much as possible and as appropriate while dating. You can’t cover EVERYTHING in a short period of time so it helps to have history with one another as well as friendship and trust. Thanks for your comment Wanda!!
Those are good questions. Maybe a couple of the large issues could be overcome, but if one disagrees on too many it’s a recipe for disaster. I’m trying to visit all the A-Z Challenge Blogs this month. My alphabet is at myqualityday.blogspot.com
Hi sharkbytes! Thx for stopping by! There are so many on the list. I am honored you made it here. Thx for commenting. I will have to check yours out too!!